AJNA321LUX.7

AJNA.LUX.ver.7: A Frankenstein Monster Deluxe Prototype

Formerly defiling your memory

... somebody else had to be there as i was already dying. like you said, no one knows better than i do about having other selves. however, do you realize that for me it was born from hurting too much, hurting from taking everything in and not letting any out.

i hate myself now for trying Lucis out. no, he is not a part of me. he is the one person that i would want to be like. mostly, i am like him now. he was a real person. he had once been the love of my life. he is gone now. there is not one day that i do not miss him and what i have lost, of what i have been too scared to have for myself. he was the only person who could ever love me the way he did. he was the one who taught me to love the way i do. apart from my friends who knew him i have never told anyone about him except you, now, as i have told you many things i couldn't tell anybody else. (funny how i can't tell you things that mean much less) i have tried blogging about him before i could send my own version of Lucis to you. i had wanted to call and ask him to take me away with him. i have long been suffering from looking for Lucis from all my other boyfriends. he was the one who loved me from afar while sitting beside me. he was the one who never told me that he loved me but only showed me and made me feel it unconditionally. he taught me how to better myself. he made me want to become a better meto be who i want to be and to be who I can really be and still be myself.

i was with somebody else then but Lucis was the one i really loved. i didn't even know it for what it is then. i didn't feel worthy before and i was stupid. i was too young. some years lasted before i finally told him what i really feel. he couldn't hear me then anymore. after that i can only silently cry with JJJJ, AAAA and JJJJJJ holding unto me while i knelt and slumped by his hospital bed. i took my time and three ice pick stabs to the stomach took him away from me. i cannot am not able to say his name even until now. not his real name, anyway. and now i have made the mistake of trying to be him. i was only supposed to be like him. i only took one photograph up there when i went away. there on the concrete pavement was his shadow, his form and wavy hair. it was only the shadow that i cast but that hair was his. you see i needed him to be there for me and not to be me. i know that now. i came up there to find closure from everybody else in my past. i had been calling him. and now i know that he really went. that's why i told you that i have gotten what i came for. that's why i was mad. but he would have told me that it was ok, that he knew why i was there... because i could never ever forget.

i was never worth his love. would i ever be? and that is why everyday i try to be. i try to love the way he did, even through all the pain and hurt.

i'm so sorry my love. i have become you now.

forgive me.

loving you always,

vin.sense

helen,

tonight i was able to talk to the other two. maybe you were already asleep when i called.
i sent you a message. i waited for your reply. i really needed you. i hope you'd grant my request.
it's early morning there now i'll call again in a little while.

ben.

thanks for granting my request. i thought it would longer