silent guardian

i'll make my try under cover of darkness and under cover of storm

ben staad


when was it last that i told myself that i could be better than who i am now, that i can do better than what i have? It has been long ago as i have been thinking that i already am truly happy and that i do deserve this owned happiness. for some lenght of time i did believe that this is true. that there really nothing that i want more, not that i have everything. only that i have what most do not and that i have settled to be content with all those that are indeed mine to call.

i have learned early on in life not to be covetous of others' possesions nor envious of others' station i life. growing up as a middle child two a brother who was the first born in our generation in the 'clan' and another brother who had a serious heart condition and hearing impaired have forced me to resort to being some sort of a make-yourself-happy kind of kid. No, i had no imaginary playmates, i had real ones a plenty. it's just that i've gained the ability to understand and be patient with other children and also with adults at a very tender age. i've figured out a lot about how things work in everyday life and in actually trying iving life.

//////

you know that has all gone now. i now covet him of you. i know not how to be happy without you. sorry for the try.

do you feel the same, as we

my pain given flesh by another: a link to another dying soul

my acknowledgments to the author mitsukai eimin

Post Mortem of the Past and Present

sometimes, you just get so surprised when crossing paths with someone you haven't seen in a long time and just suddenly realize how you really missed that person.
That you have actually been constantly thinking of this friend, cousin or past love but never really found time to keep in touch nor bothered to find a way to reach
and find this person who had always been a special to you is a mystery. accidentally stumbling upon a common friend is always a a good way of getting hold of one's number
or even an address be it for the home, office or for an email.

at other times, you are the one who is found. that is an even better treat. after catching up a bit you finally see each other in a new light, as completely different from
your oldselves but still very much the same for each other to cement the bonds further. sadly enough, it can also go the opposite way. you find out that the changes
that you see are not as agreeable to you as it has been for the other. still, a surprise later on is another kind of reaction. that of the kind where there is none.
that after a chance meeting or sorts you walk home and start thinking why you had been inseparable before and now finding no answer.
next thing that happens or does not happen is that you don't try to meet up again and this time you don't even bother to remember the other at all.

now, something weird happened to me a couple of months back.
i had this girl friend in our barkada in college. i really enjoyed being with her back then and i immensely enjoyed her totally as a person, as a good friend.
we went to places together, went out on group dates. we made very good memories together. When I spotted her and her husband in the bag section of a
department store I had been really really glad! we had eleven years of no contact.

we chatted just a bit as we all had to rush somewhere else. the husband, although a familiar person as we attended the same high school was growing a bit
uncomfortable as i am also familiar with some of his past errh ... conquest. Time came to part ways and I didn't have my phone with me and i neither had pen nor paper.
so then, hoping to believe that, we, the husband and myself, being brothers of a better breed I dared not ask a married lady to get my number right infront of her husband
and still be chummy and smug about it, plus, this lady friend being as prudish as I am in terms of propriety in civil society would not give a private number without being prodded -
business cards were not forthcoming as i had no wallet too and my friend had been wearing pants and blouse without pockets et sans purse - we let each other go.

every now and then i want to slap myself at the back of the head for not offering to memorize her number, she would have then be given a reasonable excuse and
oppurtunity to counter-offer to get my number instead. now you see, as a chance meeting resulting reaction this is the fourth kind, the stupid kind.
the utterly surprised and stupefied kind. the kind when you want-to-impress-each-other-anew or at least maintain the already good impression kind.

if i bump into the husband one time, he and i are working in the same vicinity, i would ask him, with all smug and civility but friendly like, to write his wife's number
at the back of my shirt or on my forehead. Next, i will give my friend hell for not getting my number too and then ask her if her husband can date me on the side.

Xs i- my friend was smiling knowingly while shifting her glances between her husband and I.
i told her i had a crush on her boyfriend then who is now her husband.

Xs ii - one of her husband's previous precious conquest attended the same high school as he and i did. we went to an all male exclusive school.

Xs iii - we live in a civil society but we are still crazy people.

Xs iv - first impressions cannot be replaced by new first impression. haller!
she'll forever remember me as the jackass-freaky-boy-genius-'sexually-confused'-dweeb-kid she had for a blockmate.

xs v - i'll ask the husband for his own name card instead. hopefully, we might be able to get some business going on together. most of the initial impressions last.

xs vi - i really do not know how to use the punctuation marks i employed here properly so here they are again: .,...,,,,,,,,-,;,&:. place them where you will, please!

xs vii - here are the rest: ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????