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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Book of Proverbs 17:17




you held me near and you held me dear. you cried for me when i cannot cry for myself


you were strong for me when i cannot be. you dreamt for me your heart bled for me.
you spoke for me when i had no voice. you spoke up for me when i had no courage

you never left me even when i am away. you are always with me

i befriended a rock and i made a mistake. you took my rock and kept it for yourself.
now i understand. you have been my rock all along. and all is what it always should be.

you are part of my life. you are my life. and you always will be.

i will love you always.

for:
jhe the soulmate of my soul
dianne, my first born, the sister i never had
gie kinis, my jeffrey
jesi, my counsel and sanity
janis my psyche
and my dear coffee
awra's aura
and of course ari
the master of zen
can o'coke
and for
helen who sailed beyond the sea




Proverbs 17:17
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity
The King James Version.

A friend is loving at all times, and becomes a brother in times of trouble.
The Bible in Basic English

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

short term address. completed.

Short term address

I parked the car in the same corner where I always see my brother.  The two carts with sleeping people were already there.  Each one in various contortions seeking the most comfortable position to be afforded by the unfolded box-cartons as confined by their makeshift beds.  I too deigned to seek a comfortable position on my staked claim on the ten-inch-high gutter, albeit with a none too dignified a manner.

I’d dared say that I feel a certain detachment from if not an abhorrence to my now familiar neighbors.  Wanting but with no need to protest to passersby that there is not the least bit desire in me to share space with these people; that now, I really just need to be at this particular spot, to await the sibling that might perchance claim to his stake on this lot tonight.  That, now, my solemn mission makes me want to drive the others from what is soon to be a desecrated altar.

This night I have the very difficult task of telling my brother the news of our father’s passing and the none less difficult nor less alarming fact that I am in all actuality his brother and not his friend as I have purported myself to be.  In my silent reverie, there is, aside from fast passing cars, none other to look at than the box and cart sleeping people.  In silence, I looked at them contemplating on what act of God had “placed” them on such a miserable state.  Their grease covered skins made to look matte by the clinging dusts, their curly hairs and flat noses, signatures of their aboriginal descent.

I look at them as I hold the letter that I had prepared.  The letter, a safety net should my courage falter, and from time to time I fan myself with it. Presently, the female occupant of a cart roused from beside her male bunkmate and proceeded briskly scratching herself from her nape to shoulder to the bottom of her spine and back to her nape again. Looking at her too is their canine companion, a small affair of an animal, bone thin, ragged and with a black patchwork of color on the left side of its face making it look rather silly. The dog had very short fur but surprisingly not mangy, yet, it too had been scratching far longer than its human female companion.

I did not yet have a chance to ponder upon the source of these creatures’ itchings when the woman, wearing a thin dress that has long ago been white, sprang up on one foot and landed on the other, then alternately, and irritably exclaiming ants, damned ants repeatedly.  This dark slightly plump woman then wakes her husband, if indeed they are wed, but wakes him in vain as it is plain that he is not about to resign either their cart position nor his peaceful repose.  What can he do, he asks by a mixture of frown and grin together with a shrug. What can one like them do in a time such as this?  This place is the only one where they are welcome. This place is their chosen home and no ants are going to evict them just by their mere bites.  As the woman decidedly continues her commotion I looked upon her with pity, annoyance and amazement all at the same time.  It was obvious that she intends to wake the rest of the neighborhood with her raucous slandering of the legion of six legs having failed to solicit the help of her husband.

As the minutes have been passing in increments of tens and thirtys worry, fear and hopelessness started to come upon me. At half past one, a patrol car entrenched itself in a corner. Two uniformed men put up a saw horse in the middle of the street while two others planted themselves diagonally on the other two corners of the intersection. Heavily tinted cars and motorcycles with two riders were flagged down one after the other. Soon people were milling about as unauthorized police-siren car horns were discovered in private cars and the vehicles' owners accosted. It was already a long night. Mournful and again near tears I kept my resolve on tonight’s vigil.

One by one, those apprehended are either being released or being escorted to the precinct. The very young ones rescued by friends and family with bills and change running in the thousands. The patrols leave when the vehicle traffic started to thin down to a car or two per minute. Again, I am left with my immediate neighbors. The lady once again rises up from her position and makes way for the plant box across the street. Checking left and right she then pulls up her dress and squats, right away relieving her bladder of its long agony. Inspite of her present activity and position she has up to now kept hold of both her urine and modesty. There were far too many people before to be her audience. That or the policeman that was positioned infront of her chosen box looked too confrontational. Plus, no other plant boxes were available within a five hundred meter radius. Done with her deed and herself having been relieved enough for the night somehow, she found again a new peaceful repose.

As i stood up, sat down, stood up and sat down again waiting for the brother that may never come, I then realize that everything here is the way that it is. That everything here now is where they should be. That here, now, it is only I who am lost. That it is I who truly do not belong.

Monday, June 12, 2006

i think therefore i am a god

my salvation is to hear and to respond
for this, my life must be silent
hence, my silence is my salvation

and that, i've decided is my new masterplan:
to forget about being informed
or interesting or rational
to just shut up and listen for a while

thomas merton


and i'm stupid, uninteresting and irrational
and my silence is my salvation too
but the silence is killing me
hence, my salvation is my death

and you will be the death of me yet
and still you keep silent
hence, you too are my salvation
who is also my death
who is yet again trying to kill me
yet, you ask me to kill you
which, for me is also suicide
hence, i should die at least four times
whence my salvation should come

you read, therefore you know
you think, therefore you are confused
and i am deaf and i have no feelings

i can't hear my own silent scream


that thomas merthon was a dim witted prick


Sunday, June 04, 2006

fifth heart

what says you heart to make a face such as this wear such a morbid smile laced with agony? - ben to ben's heart

how many faces can one fit in just one heart?

how many hearts can one really gently touch with and hold in in just one hand?

can love be given not only to one but to many and stay undivided, be not spread thinly and felt equally if accepted freely?  does one not risk of one's own heart being trampled upon not once but also many a times?

at a number of times i have taken such risks.  at present, the maximum number of hearts with names and faces loved by my one heart has a maximum number of four.  once, it had 
been before my only eternal love came into my life.  and it was just that once.  only once.  for my heart can take pain no more.  not that one or two more cannot be made to fit but that pain cannot anymore be endured. of pain felt by causing pain to the one's own beloved. of pain caused for other's tears to flow. of my heart wrenching theirs when my heart turns its head to the other hearts.

It was a time when the first and the third of the other hearts understood where they belong and tried to help the second heart without that heart's knowing.  a fourth came along but that fourth one also came with the face recognized by my heart by far as the longest known.  One heart aroused feelings one of being needed and wanted, one of cries and forms of passion, one of being helped and accepted, the last of desire and lusts for ventures unknown.  yet their hearts have feelings of their own towards myself and my own heart.  when the fifth was forthcoming my heart's heart knew one truth: he would be the one who stay in him forever even long after my heart starts to forget.

when the fifth came along i really knew that that heart with be the one.  the only one i would truly love with all of my heart and all of my soul.  it was the time i drew those three cards: the four of spades, the jack of hearts and the ace clubs.  as such, the fourth i had to turn away before that heart melts away.  all the other hearts had feared the coming of the inevitable fifth and one truth; all the other hearts knew even before the fifth came that they can be pushed aside for the fifth.  then, the first gave way to the second, nay, weighed by my heart against the third.  soon the second faded against the fifth.  for a time my heart revolved around the third and fifth but by and by my heart's heart's gut feelings apparently were indeed correct. as it should rightly be so.  had it been not i would have gouged it out myself.

yet, with all the love one heart can ever give my heart was bleeding for the other bleeding hearts.  for untying my cords knotted to their hearts.  rivers flowed from my eyes as in theirs from parting when still so much in love. from not wanting to yet to be apart. from wanting never ever to say goodbye.

in a span of a two year period all those hearts laughed, loved and cried along with mine.  After six years i love them all still. Yet, this love now varies in both kind and degree.  They all know me still and our hearts still hold bonds unsevered in the parting of our hearts.

after seven years, the fifth is still the one and the truth then is still true now.  when i'm eighty or ninety he would still be the one.  my forever only true love.  my fifth heart then, my first heart now.  my only beloved son.

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