my gift of friendship

as i draw near you steadily gaze
at my eyes that could not meet yours
i tremble in each step that i make
as you are my friend
and, yet, it is you
tonight
that i will take

your eyes seem to plead
to let this cup pass over you
yet, these words you utter not
as you know that it is i
it is i, that bear the cup
i, too, would have the same words voiced for you
but in their stead i say:
spare you, i
i may not
and spare you, i
i will not

tonight, you need not have asked,is this the day that i die?

aye
aye

but i cannot look you in the eye

much pain i will give before what i face i will take.
your eyes follow my hands
as i pass to you the knife
but that
is not the way
to make things come to pass. it's only
to make you help me bring you to my world
of the dark.
to help you reach
the treshold of pain
'til pain and soul
are one
inside the void.


your feel the tremors of my hand as i grip your heart.
from then to the last we will not be apart.
mercilessly, mercilessly, i had to squeeze.
as the thundering of a thousand hooves
murmured like a gentle breeze.
as each indistinct sound falters and fades.
i show you my colors of mud and dusty shades.
i take your hand and let you hold my heart.
you feel my mountains of pain, my hidden art.
it is through this instrument that i accomplish my part.
as my beats roared and echoed
- like amber lava, my tears flowed
my cries bellowed.
as if naked before wintry dawn on a lonely hill,
with searing numbness settles in your heart infernal chill.
with one last look in your last grasp of breath
i wait in silence the passing too of my own death.

is this the day you die?

aye
aye

now, open your eye

my gift is death
it is the day you die

open your eye

for one's rebirth
the only way

is first to die

~~~~~~~~~
my gift to a cherished, unnamed, dear friend.
as in all passing, i mourn.
when will i get to see how you have been reborn?

with much love always,

ben

thank you for forgiving me as the bringer of your death
and please forgive me for forcing you to forgive

now open your eye
and look at me


first posting 11/25/06 in this 'universal' reality
accomplished a day before in the page in the book of my life

for my dear coffee
and for my dear cup

one day maybe you'll learn to forgive me
i hope that you do, that in time you could
i, my own myself, i never can

03:20 am 22.01.07
of my here and now

~~~~~~
and of course i forgive
i've seen how you live ...
~~~~~~
but you just smile and take my hand
you've been there you understand...
~~~~~~

ah, my sweet sweet life
what is it that you are teaching me to teach?

another chapter of life unfolding

for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you

forgive me my words both written and left out
forgive me my pain, our pain
know only that i have loved you and that i still do
that i will love you always, in my own ways
that i have loved you when you is singular
that i have loved you when you is plural
when you can be anybody
when you is everybody
when you and i are the same
when you and i are one


thank you for touching my life
thank you for being in my life
thank you for being my life

thank you for all the music
thank you for all the songs
thank you for listening
for all the words left unsaid
for all the songs left unsung
until now

thank you for bringing music back into my life
i'm learning new songs and rediscovering others
know only this, that i have loved you. i always will.


for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you