another chapter of life unfolding
for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you
forgive me my words both written and left out
forgive me my pain, our pain
know only that i have loved you and that i still do
that i will love you always, in my own ways
that i have loved you when you is singular
that i have loved you when you is plural
when you can be anybody
when you is everybody
when you and i are the same
when you and i are one
thank you for touching my life
thank you for being in my life
thank you for being my life
thank you for all the music
thank you for all the songs
thank you for listening
for all the words left unsaid
for all the songs left unsung
until now
thank you for bringing music back into my life
i'm learning new songs and rediscovering others
know only this, that i have loved you. i always will.
for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you
forgive me my words both written and left out
forgive me my pain, our pain
know only that i have loved you and that i still do
that i will love you always, in my own ways
that i have loved you when you is singular
that i have loved you when you is plural
when you can be anybody
when you is everybody
when you and i are the same
when you and i are one
thank you for touching my life
thank you for being in my life
thank you for being my life
thank you for all the music
thank you for all the songs
thank you for listening
for all the words left unsaid
for all the songs left unsung
until now
thank you for bringing music back into my life
i'm learning new songs and rediscovering others
know only this, that i have loved you. i always will.
for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you
Labels: an apology
posted by the lowly gardener at
10:15 PM
3 Comments:
I've seen a glimpse of your life
It was wonderful in a weird, twisted way.
I wanted to be part of it forever but you thought it best otherwise.
I've read your blog
I hoped and wished that it was meant to be
that "we" was still a possibility.
Again, you thought it best otherwise.
More than pain and happiness, it was fear and disappointment I exprienced.
And yet it keeps me reading, it keeps my dropping by from time to time.
Believing that through this blog I can be updated by a love once had and now lost.
Don't only say you have loved and always will.
Specify who.
Or is it because it is all of us in general.
I don't know what is more painful? You, letting me go, or me knowing I never even had a fighting chance.
I asked, "Am I now worth loving?"
You said, "Our worthiness of being loved can be measured and determined only by ourselves alone"
I replied, "By whom?"
You said (with finality), "by your own heart"
I never heard from you again.
You let me go when I didn't want to. On a day before my special day. Forced me to accept the words, the tears and the pain. At some point, I kinda did. But my stubborn heart refuses to follow what my mind is saying. And so as this new year comes, I'll find another reason to love again. I'll find a reason enough to live again.
Thank you for everything.
I've may have lost the war to Ajna but it's not the end for Liwan.
For Noel for you have been brave enough and because you dared.
A Review of a Blog: A Partial Critique of My Life.
Sometimes it is better to speak in generalities as they are easier to understand and more easily digested than mere meaningless specifics like dates and time and unpalatable details. This entry above has been made as an act of repentance and a cleansing, hoping for pardon and absolution. A confession of sins both committed and accused of and admission of guilt and an act of repentance. Maybe now is a time for revelations as some secrets must surface to light.
In dealing with my generalities I can view my world as more palpable, twistedly more coherent and weirdly undetached from myself, though, most entries were made by and from love when that love is not of a singular kind.
The named people know who they are as I have called them that to their own faces. Some, in their own ways have thru text messages, emails, comments and thru their own blogs, have given me their own understanding of what I have now with them and what I had with them in the past. Words they left out were their own silent acknowledgments of how real things happened to be.
Again, now you are trying in your comment to say something to me and to some imagined countless others that you think are unaware. Some facts are then needed for clarity. For you, Noel and the others. People left unnamed have been left that way to protect them from me, my words, my destructive forces as a friend termed it, my capacity to hurt them by my unthinking, my capacity to hurt them by me being me. But you see, here, there were no mention of baby cakes, of amemiko, nor memi. Yet, cat knows that SHE is cat and also that cat knows that HE is cat. In my own world here there is always a duality not only of people but also of concepts, thoughts and feelings. Take note: duality and not duplicity. In the same fashion bugs is bugs, lace is just lacey as a peach is fuzzy and fussy. Coffee is coffee, ari is ari, awra is awra and Helen sailed beyond the sea. Puss walked in boots and now again you and I are both lost. Going back to the name game, a dead bird is in fact a person apart from myself but still symbolizes another one of me. Uranoscopidae and Stargazerfish mean the same and are the same names I have for three people in this present incarnation of theirs. First is M.C., the doppelganger of my ex girlfriend M.M. both of my violet and lavender memories. The first Stargazerfish came into my life as a companion and study buddy that helped me get past my pain of M.M. while me thinking of her but at the same time not and ditto for the doppelganger’s doppleganger. We viewed the glow in the dark stars I mapped on my ceiling at Diamond Street, largely symbolic as a means of hope and moving on and going on again in one’s life. The second is Zip, he too knows who he is. And I now acknowledge him here now as the part of my life that I saw as a representation of hope and dreams of a love that I believe then to be profound and unbound. The kind of hope and dream that I would want to have and also want to be able to give. Like myself, he looked up at the stars for comfort and guidance both figuratively and literally. The last Stargazerfish is the realization of that unbound love that I have born and that had been born unto me. My last Stargazerfish is my fifth heart. Again, our favorite stargazing field is within my own world, my own room, this time stars were not only on the ceiling but also on the walls. That now the stars surround us. Taking myself back to the stars I guess. In the rebirth of Vince in the monologue he looked up at the stars carrying with him all the love, hopes dreams that have been realized and those that are still to be pursued. Mainly symbolic it also entertained and amused me. My own brand of choose-your-own-adventure book with many characters that were permanent. Permanent like The fifth heart/Stargazerfish. Permanent like hope and love.
The posting of the bi-polar monologue was made some five months after you have read it form the original paper and ink version “release”. The writing of which was made in a singular instant, in one day, half a lifetime ago then when you were shown it (in my own time reckoning of course), yet, it has also been written in long time passing as I have lived and have been living through my stages in life. All the characters there were being auditioned since the mid of 1994 and finally casted near the end of summer of 2006.
Ok, there then. For others that have not been named (and you were one of them as we all now know) have been unnamed still for another reason. This reason simply put is that you know who you are at any stage in my life, stationed when and where I had been. Places, objects and events only have meaning to the person for whom I wrote any particular entry for. My audience and if I must say specific targets have been well advised – in terms of directions. Some were led to links some directly given or shown a printed paper and others directly placed before the screen while I sat beside them. All given directions and all have been asked silent questions. Now, temporarily, while I’m repairing my life theses links are gone. Only those who want to stay and only those who remember, only for those that these things that I write have meaning are here to read this, to listen to the songs in my heart, to listen to my muffled screams, to my own voices that I am drowning out.
In this last entry where our now two comments can be found is my form of a public apology: An apology for airing out my dirty laundry; An apology for opening up my heart for the world to see; An apology for sharing my pain and the pain of other people… my pain and suffering; An Apology to the pain and suffering that I have brought; An apology for what should have been left unsaid, deeds that should have been left undone and to a reality forced upon me, feelings that should not have been felt or made felt; For hanging other people’s suffering upon a wall; For seemingly trivializing their: For the friend I killed in heart; For the father I killed in fiction as punishment for the brother and sister that I will never get to know and the brother that he forced me to make in my heart and mind to cease to exist; For my mother that I needed really not to acknowledge here as she already shares my life, struggles and pain; For seeking the love that I had wanted from the people whom I had wanted it from; For knocking on too many doors, doors that gave no answers, doors that have turned me away, doors that have been slammed on my face; For my exposure of my unhidden selves and seemingly endless tripping on a seemingly singular vehicle of a seemingly singular kind of love; For my again new forced self-exile and lastly my vanishing upon my rebirth.
Yet now, with this unraveling of the threads of my life as enforced by silly seemingly endless mind games imposed by you – both in the singular and plural sense- on me and the others came about a need for an explanation of my life, an explanation needed to defend, address and deal with seemingly innocent comments both in blogs and in my everyday existence, an explanation of why entries have been retreated and again lain back to shelf. That some comments let to be published and let to remain unpublished also led others to believe what you have wanted them to believe and I let you, again, both in the plural and singular. There were some mere words that provoked thoughts that took its toll on some and tested the resolve of others. Again I’m tired of these endless playing and toying of my heart and my head. Maybe you wanted to ensure that the visitors in my life to remain as they are and to some degree eliminate ‘competitors’ in the game and decimate other warriors in your war. I’ll never know and I would not ask. A thread like this as a reply to a comment like one before it had been the cause of us taking a swipe at each other at every turn and the cause of some of my entries to be reverted back to drafts and some to be completely deleted. I have tried my own purging of these sins and now you have, again, wanted things that should be kept hidden be dragged into the light. Somehow I know better now of what to keep hidden, to keep for myself. Like a friend of mine thought, I also may have been an irresponsible writer after all. So don’t worry I know what to shield you from too from now on. For now, we, both have to suffer this ‘together’ and separately. [Air quote and underline for someone else’s benefit]. Do not worry much only the ones interested enough in my life and my owned truths will bother to read this comment and to that very few it might not even mean much. I hope I have been able to address the generalities and the YOUs in my life.
You failed to specify the time between then and never. It may seem to others to be a very extended and continuous length of time. That might not give me a fighting chance to prove my worthiness to be loved as measured by others. By my own measure and calibration I know my own worthiness for being loved. I have answered that for myself before you got to ask your own question. Sadly I answered not worthy. Yes, he that is unnamed knows about you, about the singular and plural you. At my last rebirth I have resolved to be as blunt and as transparent as I can be. This is my own version of honesty perhaps. From then on I never held back on saying and doing anything except when I have to protect others from myself, otherwise, I wore no real veil. All my others selves were given chances to be real people again and again but, also, not veiled. All my defense mechanisms had been up, then, brought down one by one nearing the second part of the year. Now comes the end and the last hurdle of barrier: the one that has a very thin membrane of transparent film, a film that is my reality of here and now. That which has really no veil. A film of no film. A reality that is not existent. A membrane made of nothing. Were nothing is hidden form anybody. No overt or covert act of concealment, of telling everything and anything to everybody every step of the way, even things that they never need or refuse to know. This is what you cannot see. Just like Bien as he is the one everybody could not see. What and Whom everybody refuses to see and believe in.
Life or love is not a war as the song says, it is a battle field. Ajna is just a dead fucker. He is neither someone I am looking at nor someone looking at me now. He is now as I am, again, nothing. And may he never rise back from the dead.
I didn’t let you go. I set you free as I have set others free, as so many others have set me free. Here is where and when I take leave from you in the singular and plural, for the time being, perhaps, from this part of my reality, perhaps.
Which monster now rises first from the ashes?
I still do not know.
I have not yet taken form.
All these to become just one comment on a comment? Well, why not?
for you in my here and now
Enveloped in nothingness I am strong
Encased in nothingness I am invincible
Embraced by nothingness I cannot be seen
Absorbed by nothingness I disappear
Veiled by nothingness I am invisible
to you
For Noel for you have been brave enough and because you dared.
A Review of a Blog: A Partial Critique of My Life.
Sometimes it is better to speak in generalities as they are easier to understand and more easily digested than mere meaningless specifics like dates and time and unpalatable details. This entry above had been made as an act of repentance and a cleansing, hoping for both pardon and absolution. A confession of sins both committed and accused of and admission of some guilt and lastly an act of repentance. Maybe now is the time for revelations as some secrets must surface to light.
In dealing with my generalities I can view my world as more palpable, twistedly more coherent and weirdly undetached from myself, though, most entries were made by and from love when that love is not of a singular kind.
The named people know who they are as I have called them that to their own faces. Some, in their own ways have thru text messages, emails, comments and thru their own blogs, have given me their own understanding of what I have now with them and what I had with them in the past. Words they left out were their own silent acknowledgments of how real things happened to be.
Again, now you are trying in your comment to say something to me and to some imagined countless others that you think are unaware. Some facts are then needed for clarity, for you, Noel and the others. People left unnamed have been left that way to protect them from me, my words, my destructive forces as a friend termed it, my capacity to hurt them by my unthinking, my capacity to hurt them by me being me. But you see, here, there were no mention of baby cakes, of amemiko, nor memi. Yet, cat knows that SHE is cat and also that cat knows that HE is cat. In my own world, here, there is always a duality not only of people but also of concepts, thoughts and feelings. Take note: duality and not duplicity. In the same fashion bugs is bugs, lace is just lacey as a peach is fuzzy and fussy. Coffee is cCffee, Ari is Ari, Awra is Awra and Helen sailed beyond the sea. Puss walked in boots and now again you and I are both lost. Going back to the name game, a dead bird is in fact a person apart from myself but still symbolizes another one of me. Uranoscopidae and Stargazerfish mean the same and are the same names I have for three people in this present incarnation of theirs. First is M.C., the doppelganger of my ex girlfriend M.M. both of my violet and lavender memories. The first Stargazerfish came into my life as a companion and study buddy who helped me get past my pain of M.M. while me thinking of her but at the same time not and ditto for the doppelganger’s doppleganger. We viewed the glow in the dark stars I mapped on my ceiling at Diamond Street, largely symbolic as a means of hope and moving on and going on again in one’s life. The second is Zip, he too knows who he is. And I acknowledge him here now as the part of my life that I saw as a representation of hope and dreams of a love that I believe then to be profound and unbound. The kind of hope and dream that I would want to have and also want to be able to give. Like myself, he looked up at the stars for comfort and guidance both figuratively and literally. The last Stargazerfish is the realization of that unbound love that I have born and that had been born unto me. My last Stargazerfish is my fifth heart. Again, our favorite stargazing field is within my own world, my own room, this time stars were not only on the ceiling but also on the walls. That now, the stars surround us. Taking myself back to the stars I guess. In the rebirth of Vince in the monologue he looked up at the stars carrying with him all the love, hopes and dreams that have been realized and those that are still to be pursued. Mainly symbolic, it also entertained and amused me. My own brand of choose-your-own-adventure book with some characters there being permanent. Permanent, like The fifth heart/Stargazerfish. Permanent like hope and love.
The posting of the bi-polar monologue was made some five months after you have read it form the original paper and ink “release”, the writing of which was made in a singular instant, in one day, half a lifetime ago then when you were shown it (in my own time .reckoning of course). Yet, it had also been written in long time passing; being written as I have lived and as I have been living through my stages in life. All the characters there had been auditioned since the mid of 1994 and finally casted near the end of summer of 2006.
Ok, there then. For others that have not been named (and you were one of them as we all now know) have been unnamed still for another reason. This reason, simply put, is that you know who you are at any stage in my life, stationed when and where according to my when and where. Places, objects and events only have meaning to the person for whom I wrote any particular entry for. My audience, and if I must say specific targets, have been well advised – in terms of directions. Some were led to links some directly given or shown a printout and others directly placed before the screen while I sat beside them. All given directions and all have been asked silent questions. Now, temporarily, while I am repairing my life these links are gone. Only those who had wanted to stay, only those who remember, only for those that these things that I write have meaning are here to read this, to listen to the songs in my heart, to listen to my muffled screams, to my own voices that I am drowning out.
In this last entry where our two comments can now be found is my form of a public apology: An apology for airing out my dirty laundry; An apology for opening up my heart for the world to see; An apology for sharing my pain and the pain of other people… my pain and suffering; An Apology for the pain and suffering that I have brought; An apology for what should have been left unsaid, deeds that should have been left undone and to some realities forced upon me, feelings that probably should not have been felt or made felt; For hanging other people’s suffering upon a wall; For seemingly trivializing their suffering: For the friend I killed in and within his own heart; For the father I killed in fiction as punishment for the brother and sister that I will never get to know and the brother that he forced me to make in my heart and mind to cease to exist; For my mother that I needed really not to acknowledge here as she already shares my life, struggles and pain; For seeking the love that I had wanted from the people whom I had wanted it from; For knocking on too many doors, doors that gave no answers, doors that have turned me away and doors that have been slammed on my face; For my exposure of my unhidden selves and seemingly endless tripping on a seemingly singular vehicle of a seemingly singular kind of love; For my again new forced self-exile and lastly my vanishing upon my rebirth.
Yet now, with this unraveling of the threads of my life as enforced by silly seemingly endless mind games imposed by you – both in the singular and plural sense- on me and the others came about a need for an explanation of my life, an explanation needed to defend, address and deal with seemingly innocent comments both in blogs and in my everyday existence, an explanation of why entries have been retreated and again lain back to shelf. That some comments let to be published and let to remain unpublished also led others to believe what you have wanted them to believe and I let you, again, both in the plural and singular. There were some mere words that provoked thoughts that took its toll on some and tested the resolve of others. Again I’m tired of these endless playing and toying of my heart and my head. Maybe you wanted to ensure that the visitors in my life to remain as they are and to some degree eliminate ‘competitors’ in the game and decimate other warriors in your war. I’ll never know and I would not ask. A thread like this as a reply to a comment like one before it had been the cause of us taking a swipe at each other at every turn and the cause of some of my entries to be reverted back to drafts and some to be completely deleted. I have tried my own purging of these sins and now you have, again, wanted things that should be kept hidden be dragged into the light. Somehow I know better now of what to keep hidden, to keep for myself. Like a friend of mine thought, I also may have been an irresponsible writer after all. So don’t worry I know what to shield you from too from now on. For now, we, both have to suffer this ‘together’ and separately. [Air quote and underline for someone else’s benefit]. Do not worry much only the ones interested enough in my life and my owned truths will bother to read this comment and to that very few it might not even mean much. I hope I have been able to address the generalities and the YOUs in my life.
You failed to specify the time between then and never. It may seem to others to be a very extended and continuous length of time. That might not give me a fighting chance to prove my worthiness to be loved as measured by others. By my own measure and calibration I know my own worthiness for being loved. I have answered that for myself before you got to ask your own question. Sadly I answered not worthy. Yes, he that is ‘unnamed’ knows about you, about the singular and plural you. At my last rebirth I have resolved to be as blunt and as transparent as I can be. This is my own version of honesty perhaps. From then on I never held back on saying and doing anything except when I have to protect others from myself, otherwise, I wore no real veil. All my others selves were given chances to be real people again and again but, also, not veiled. All my defense mechanisms had been up, then, brought down one by one nearing the second part of the year. Now comes the end and the last hurdle of barrier: the one that has a very thin membrane of transparent film, a film that is my reality of here and now. That which has really no veil. A film of no film. A reality that is not existent. A membrane made of nothing. Were nothing is hidden form anybody. No overt or covert act of concealment, of telling everything and anything to everybody every step of the way, even things that they never need or refuse to know. This is what you cannot see. Just like Bien as he is the one everybody could not see. What and Whom everybody refuses to see and believe in.
Life or love is not a war, as the song says, it is a battle field. Ajna is just a dead fucker. He is neither someone I am looking at nor someone looking at me now. He is now as I am, again, nothing. And may he never rise back from the dead.
I did not let you go. I set you free as I have set others free, as so many others have set me free. Here is where and when I take leave from you, from the singular and plural you, for the time being, perhaps, from this part of my reality, perhaps.
All these to become just one comment on a comment? Well, why not?
Which monster now rises first from the ashes?
I still do not know.
I have not yet taken form.
for you in my here and now
Enveloped in nothingness I am strong
Encased in nothingness I am invincible
Embraced by nothingness I cannot be seen
Absorbed by nothingness I disappear
Veiled by nothingness I am invisible
to you
peace po!
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