another chapter of life unfolding

for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you

forgive me my words both written and left out
forgive me my pain, our pain
know only that i have loved you and that i still do
that i will love you always, in my own ways
that i have loved you when you is singular
that i have loved you when you is plural
when you can be anybody
when you is everybody
when you and i are the same
when you and i are one


thank you for touching my life
thank you for being in my life
thank you for being my life

thank you for all the music
thank you for all the songs
thank you for listening
for all the words left unsaid
for all the songs left unsung
until now

thank you for bringing music back into my life
i'm learning new songs and rediscovering others
know only this, that i have loved you. i always will.


for all those that i have hurt through this blog
for all that were made happy by it
for all those who dropped by
for all those who caught a glimpse of my life.
for you

insomnia: cured by a pill

a person truly loves you when he sees the pain in your eyes and inside your heart
when everybody else still believes the smile on your face -one forwarded sms

sometimes, hurt gets buried deep. sometimes, it just floats near the surface.
ignored but not forgotten. it has an uncanny ability of stepping into the light
when one wants to go to sleep. and that is when all the buried past come out.

night brings back the painful memories. memories dulled with a nod and a smile.
when does reality end and fantasy begin? for that matter, which of them do i live now?

i'm back and i'm awake
there is no more pain in me
it's now already tomorrow
where will i be in the morrow?
today i walk away from sorrow

dream of a love

go then, i will wait for you
the flowers in the garden will mark your absence
and rejoice the day of your return
of my love, you are sure
so sure you can take it with you
cupped in the hands that you raise to your face

and if you need to, you can show it to the world
a world that couldn't begin to understand what lives
in an uncaring absent heart
that couldn't begin to understand
what a heart can truly feel

this is where i will wait for you
stealing imaginary kisses as time goes by
time, time cannot erase the memories and the desire
that you cup in the hands that you raise to your face
as you still think of me
through out your journey it will
lead you back to me
for i'll still be waiting here, dreaming
dreaming of your unknown whereabouts
picturing the scene you'll return
i dream

this is where i will wait for you
stealing imanginary kisses as time goes by

dream
a noise, the wind wakes me
and you're already here.

when

in the absence of doubt
in the absence of want
in the absence of haste
in the absence of hesitance
in the absence of apprehension
in the absence of deception


when there is acceptance
when there is understanding
the need to give
when there is hope
consideration
compassion
trust

when there is a willingness to sacrifice
when there is a commitment of one's self
and loyalty is free from betrayal
when love transcends the material
then your love is pure

One day we will have Christmas together again. One Christmas soon. Christmas with you when you're all grown up is soon enough for me. For now I'll spend Christmas with you, again, from afar. You've been taken away again. Forgive me, I am not good enough for you.

your former yaya, your kuya, your Ada, your daddy

ben

I love you very much anak.
Know that you have been well loved

for me
for you

AJNA321LUX.7

AJNA.LUX.ver.7: A Frankenstein Monster Deluxe Prototype

Formerly defiling your memory

... somebody else had to be there as i was already dying. like you said, no one knows better than i do about having other selves. however, do you realize that for me it was born from hurting too much, hurting from taking everything in and not letting any out.

i hate myself now for trying Lucis out. no, he is not a part of me. he is the one person that i would want to be like. mostly, i am like him now. he was a real person. he had once been the love of my life. he is gone now. there is not one day that i do not miss him and what i have lost, of what i have been too scared to have for myself. he was the only person who could ever love me the way he did. he was the one who taught me to love the way i do. apart from my friends who knew him i have never told anyone about him except you, now, as i have told you many things i couldn't tell anybody else. (funny how i can't tell you things that mean much less) i have tried blogging about him before i could send my own version of Lucis to you. i had wanted to call and ask him to take me away with him. i have long been suffering from looking for Lucis from all my other boyfriends. he was the one who loved me from afar while sitting beside me. he was the one who never told me that he loved me but only showed me and made me feel it unconditionally. he taught me how to better myself. he made me want to become a better meto be who i want to be and to be who I can really be and still be myself.

i was with somebody else then but Lucis was the one i really loved. i didn't even know it for what it is then. i didn't feel worthy before and i was stupid. i was too young. some years lasted before i finally told him what i really feel. he couldn't hear me then anymore. after that i can only silently cry with JJJJ, AAAA and JJJJJJ holding unto me while i knelt and slumped by his hospital bed. i took my time and three ice pick stabs to the stomach took him away from me. i cannot am not able to say his name even until now. not his real name, anyway. and now i have made the mistake of trying to be him. i was only supposed to be like him. i only took one photograph up there when i went away. there on the concrete pavement was his shadow, his form and wavy hair. it was only the shadow that i cast but that hair was his. you see i needed him to be there for me and not to be me. i know that now. i came up there to find closure from everybody else in my past. i had been calling him. and now i know that he really went. that's why i told you that i have gotten what i came for. that's why i was mad. but he would have told me that it was ok, that he knew why i was there... because i could never ever forget.

i was never worth his love. would i ever be? and that is why everyday i try to be. i try to love the way he did, even through all the pain and hurt.

i'm so sorry my love. i have become you now.

forgive me.

loving you always,

vin.sense

helen,

tonight i was able to talk to the other two. maybe you were already asleep when i called.
i sent you a message. i waited for your reply. i really needed you. i hope you'd grant my request.
it's early morning there now i'll call again in a little while.

ben.

thanks for granting my request. i thought it would longer

proxy

he was my first boyfriend's bestfriend. i was thirteen when i first encountered anja.
he was seventeen but he was already an old man and my boyfriend was a little boy of sixteen.

he taught me my algebra and i made his art projects. he read me poetry while i watch augie play hoops.
he read the stories i wrote and he made me read his essays.

he made me laugh without really trying hard to be funny. ajna made me laugh because i had tears in my eyes.
he made me laugh because he loves seeing me laugh. he made me laugh because he wanted me to be happy.

he never held my hand nor gave me his shoulder to cry on. he never wiped my tears either.
instead, he leaned on my shoulder and he too cried for me.
he had more tears flowing and i held both his cheeks in my hands.

he sang me lullabies on the phone when augie is burning the line. he sang me love songs about the moon.
he sang me praises for my attributes that he has invented. he sang and he sang but he couldn't even sing.

TBC...


or enough of ajna


the one i never had was the stand-in of my boyfriend

a speck of dust

in the midst of a sea of people is the loneliest day of my life

invisible as an ant crushed underfoot of the multitude

a sweltering dark mass of cold unfeeling stares and glares

heavily laden is the heart, lightheaded, unsurefooted

why had darkness come in the middle of this high sun, dark day?

because i'm a blind person bouncing off walls

Bi-polar taking two

x

4:30 am on a moonless night

midgard: again comes the subject on multiple faces inside a one faceted heart.
{sighs and shakes head}

bien: now there is this guy and there is this gal, there is this ex and a potential prey.
{grins} How many really are there? {looks up and rolls eyes}

victor: Who the hell knows and who is counting anyway?

bien: that only the heart would know. {looks at the floor}

teng: tang na! you're starting to sound like midi there.
{spins the ashtray}

bien: you smoke too much.

teng: ikaw rin, gago!
{flicks the cigarette, an ember falls on the floor}

victor: watch your fucking mouth and use the ashtray!
that's what it's for.

teng: bulag ka? it's on spin cycle.

midgard: and how's the dry spell? you coping up there well?

teng: been bone dry for a year. thanks for asking. may bopis pa?

bien: bottom container, second shelf. what do you mean had been?

{gets up} i'll heat it up. talk to him guys.

midgard: had been implies he's ended the dry spell. when?

teng: two days ago. itinuro mo pa ikaw din pala kukuha.

midgard: two days ago? bien likes doing that.

bien: it means he did it but he's already started counting days...
and that ... he hasn't quit quitting.

teng: one's just a sip and then ... to celebrate {goes to the rice
cooker and lifts the lid} tang 'na alang kanin!

bien: counting bottles too. I would have been disappointed but i know how it feels.

midgard: not counting bottles but counting drinks.
a sip and to celebrate means one's in a glass and the others are in bottles.

victor: others? sounds fun! more than one is always good.

teng: shut up! you don't even know how to count. but it was, di gaya ng dati.

victor: i said i don't count.

teng: oo nga you don't count. {laughs}

bien: you do count Mr. Victor. really he does.

midgard: everybody's talking double meaning tonight.

teng: no problem with you and bien there you're both psychics anyway

ben: speaking of problems...

midgard: ah the mute speaks

teng: down to business then? when ben starts talking things better
start moving.

victor: so you're a psychic too!

teng: dick!

ben: let's not start calling each other names, ok? at least... no new ones.

midgard: no we're not just about to do that.

ben: ok so back to the heart of the matter

bien: heart not hearts?

midgard: inside the heart is the plurality. heart will do.

victor: I'm i trouble...

ben: we know, we all are.

teng: can't rise to the occasion vic? {grins and snorts} pakalalaki ka nga!

bien: i think that's kinda my fault.

midgard: we all have our fingers in the salad bowl

teng: jorms doesn't

midgard: and where is he anyway?

bien: can't you guess? asleep... {smiles broadly}

ben: out like a light. zapped.

teng: you enjoy zapping him!

bien: one whole tab and we can all talk in peace.

midgard: peace bought by a pill

teng: why'd yah guys take care of him at all?

ben: because

bien: i still love him just the same

teng: and don't you just love everybody? puss!

victor: i love everybody.

midgard: shut your mouth!

ben: the unromantic words of a poet

midgard: he will be the death of me

bien: they're just teasing vic. we love you.

victor: pussy!

teng: puss not pussy!

victor: same thing to me.

teng: you and bien's always been together lately...

midgard: vic always tags along with everybody else in here,
even with jorms, doesn't even matter if he is asleep

victor: and you just don't have the guts you dickless shit!

ben: but vic's grown a heart in spite of his vocabulary. rubbed off from bien.

midgard: some of us just don't have the guts to go in one way streets.

teng: another blind person bouncing off walls. mahal ka rin nya ulol!

bien: which one does? who?

midgard: a mindreader with a blank screen?

ben: let's just get on with it.

victor: we are already doing it. we are on it.

teng: can't you hear what everybody's saying?

ben: sorry - spaced out a bit

midgard: you think too much about everything and of everybody

ben: look who's talking. you're the one not getting enough sleep

teng: brain on hyperdrive and overdrive or override?

ben: a multiple choice laced with sarcasm?

victor: dripping with it baby, dripping with it.

midgard: aptly said - no harm taken though.

victor: but lace i love lace!

bien: what's bugging you love?

teng: oh bugs? bitten by a love bug?

midgard: not by it but by the person

teng: oh bugs! bugs ok now?

bien: my fault again then. strange, bugging is the word.

midgard: the rebirth of a psychic. right bugging is the word.

teng: poets bad parrots make. ok lang yun boy, hospital visit.
bugs' a friend.

vicotr: a good friend.

bien: either I smother you or zap you, you pick prick! taken one down already.

teng: so, aside from vince, what's eating gilbert grape?

bien: another psychic. and i thought you were very much grounded vicente.

midgard: a practical mind gone to ashes.

teng: a realist. rebirthing and ashes.. phoenix on the rise?

ben: yes that too. sorry guys Iv've been meaning to tell yah...

teng: as if we don't already know yet.

midgard: don't worry ben. I think we all kow about it.

ben: just waiting for the right time to say it. there was no need to...

midgard: ... it seems... teng?

teng: a premonition. I feel things too.

victor: feel things

bien: the cat is out of the bag. ben, don't worry. you took good care of us.
he would want you to stay you know...

midgard: time for a change it is not. he told you first. that's a good sign.


ben: I'm not so sure he told me first

teng: fuck it, it wasn't a warning!

victor: i love cat.

bien: we know! I'll drill a hole through your head.

teng: kala ko he's all heart

midgard: he is, just trying to save all of us. i love you bien. puss {let's air kisses fly}

ben: what's come upon us? double meanings double edged swords.
lot of names came out tonight. thank God, no song lyircs.

midgard: hard doing it without pronouns when referring to everybody else.

teng: hard but fun. sino kaya nagumpisa nun. pakulo mo yun mid.

victor: hard. i like hard. will i ever be again?

bien: we both know you will. I'm here so don't fret.
and oh lot's of song lyrics there are.

victor: no fret, no fuss, no fuzz, I'm in the same page.
ben's really not listening, huh.

teng: what have you done to this fucker? he has grown a heart!

midgard: now all he needs is a brain

victor: i hate brain

ben: you light up my life guys { gets up and stretches}

teng: all in the same page different books

midgard: welcome to the grasshopper's library

Jorms: hi guys!

bien: Hi Jorms, love!

Jorms: ah a regular wizard of OZ...

midgard: the brainless dick, puss in boots, the practical tin man...

teng: and the cowardly bard!

jorms: roll call ok?

victor: let's see, a dead bird, a resurrected cat, a peach
a litter bug... is gilbert grape a name?

jorms: No, and peach? lace?... i can hear you guys in my sleep.
i'm taking a walk. wait ... and drip?

midgard: stars out tonight? {inspects nails} drip is peach

jorms: nope, stargarzer fish is.

teng: uranoscopidae. better hurry sun's almost up.

victor: I'm still not getting any...

teng: uhm, vince is back.

jorms: I know. I was the one who called him back.

ben: and all these time bien and I have been zapping you! {smirks}

bien: oh I love you guys. It's gonna be a party. {clasps both hands}

ben: it already is. wait up we're all coming with you.
guys we're adjourned. {leans back}

{vince gets up from the couch, goes through the door}


vince: I love this life. {walks towards the rosy fingers of dawn}

x

bi-polar taking two: a monologue

[*disclaimer - true characters in a multiple personality disorder do not hold conferences.
they just leave each other offline messages. yes, they all have different accounts.
all the characters here are just apellations with appendages except for victor who is the reverse
but then again victor is also a man]

midgard: I love this present incarnation of flesh
bien: I love the color flesh
victor: I love flesh
teng: this work's done. back to work now.
ben: may bopis pa
victor: I don't do bopis
midgard: shut him up
ben: vince will give him a helping hand

x